I tried it, we tried it. We really did. My ex and me. But the only thing we produced was a lot of sex at the beginning. A lot of fights, shouting and bad words at the end.
Its not that we don’t love each other. At least in the beginning we were overrunning each other by love.
After two weeks life changed. Corona happened. SHit happened.
Our first big fight was the end of the relationship for me. I didn’t say it but I felt it. My heart just broke again in thousand little pieces. All hope that we could have changed. Gone. Reality hit me.
The next weeks I tried hard. I tried talking, not feeling so hurt by his words, I tried to ignore his provocations, I tried to be a friendly smiling happy girlfriend. And he also tried. I cannot blame him, not for everything.
It just didn’t worked out. Each week passing I broke a little bit more. I stopped loving him. I start hating. I start regret to try it again. And then I start planning my revenge. I had pictures in my head how I can hurt him the way he hurts me every day.
Then few good days happen to be…till all over happened again. And again. And again. Over and Over.
8 weeks later I found my self argumenting with his brother why I am still at THEIR HOUSE. In this night I packed my things. Next day I drove home. To MY HOUSE. I kissed him goodbye. This should be our last kiss.
It hurts a lot. Writing this brings tears to my eyes, running down my cheeks. I feel so lost. But I can breath again. I can smile and lay in bed all day long. I can wake up in the morning and cuddle with my dog for hours. I can just watch Netflix the whole afternoon. I can change my mind within seconds. Without justify myself. I can make my own decisions and I can live my own life.
If something doesn’t serve me anymore I stand up from that table.
I am not watering dead flowers anymore.
I fought for this love. I gave up a lot of me. And this is not how love should be.
To love someone means to take that person how he is NOW. Not how he will be in years.
Alone again. But definitely not willing to settle for less than what makes me happy.